I haven’t written about my father since he died. I think I just need to get my thoughts together in my head so when I took the time to sit down and write about it the words would flow.
If you know me you know me, you know my dad and I had an on and off again relationship. It started when my parents divorced. I felt like he divorced his kids too and went and found a new family.
My sister Stephanie was a toddler when he left so I don’t think he’s leaving affected her the way it did me. I had him for five years and it was really hard to not see him every day. Sometimes we saw him sometimes we didn’t see him for months. Being a daddy’s girl that was very hurtful for me because I missed him and I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to see us.
The hardest memories I have of him was sitting waiting on him to come and he not show up.
As an adult I realize how him not showing up affected my life. One of my pet peeve’s is when some says they are going to do something and they don’t do it. I usually don’t trust your word anymore. I guess that comes from waiting on my daddy.
This was my first Father’s Day without him. Unfortunately it’s not the first Father’s Day without him. I don’t think I ever spent a Father’s Day with him to be honest. The only birthdays I ever remember spending with him is my fifth and my 13th when he introduced me to my two older sisters Bridget and Kimberly.
Papa was a Rolling Stone every time I hear that song I think about my daddy.
Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
And when he died, all he left us was alone
While in the Navy we wrote to each so when I came home he wanted to have a relationship. I was skeptical but that little five-year-old inside said go ahead he’s your daddy.
We would spend time together and something would remind of the many times we didn’t spend time together and it would piss me off. I realized I was still angry with him and I needed to forgive him. I will admit it took a long time for my heart to forgive but I did.
Just as we were having a decent relationship we found out dementia was going to take his mind.
I will admit I was very angry about this diagnosis. Finally I had my daddy and now I was losing him all over again.
I honestly didn’t think dementia would move as fast as it did. I thought we’d have a few years together after we placed him in the nursing home.
The first time I visited him and he didn’t recognize me it broke my heart. I was that little girl sitting on the porch waiting on my daddy again.
The first man I ever loved didn’t know who I was. I think that’s why I didn’t visit him as much as I should while he was in the nursing home. It was just so painful to know that he really didn’t recognize me and that the relationship I waited a lifetime for would never happen.
I’m thankful that I was able to say goodbye to him because it was something that I never was able to do with my mom. She passed while we were home.
Saying goodbye to my dad wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be probably because he was unconscious. I didn’t have to look into his eyes and say goodbye as he took his last final breath.
Me and my sisters stood around my dad’s bed. We prayed and watched him as he slowly breathed. We knew it was just a matter of time.
I will say when he stopped breathing it was peaceful moment. I knew he wasn’t in pain anymore. He’d done what he was supposed to do. He helped reunite us with our younger sister Socratiff and he had the best relationships he could with his daughters. His girls would be fine.
So this Father’s Day I celebrated my daddy. He wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t the greatest. He was my daddy and he is the reason that I am the person that I am today. For that I’m thankful. Happy Father’s Day Joseph Lee Carruth. Thanks for being my Daddy.
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