My father – Joesph Lee Carruth died last month and I will admit I’ve been a little coo coo behind it. He wasn’t sick, but he was suffering from dementia.  I will be honest and say I had a few issues with the dementia because just as I was building a new relationship with my father, this disease snuck in and stole him from me.  Yes, that’s how I felt like he was stolen from me.  The last time I saw him, it was with my younger sister.  She’d come for a visits and we went to the nursing home to see him.  I warned her that he probably wouldn’t recognize her, but I don’t think she was prepared to see this little man, eating his lunch and looking at us like we were interrupting him.  It broke my heart, that he didn’t recognize us, but I was thankful he was still with us.

Labor Day weekend, that all changed, when he broke his hip and had to have surgery. I was in Biloxi MS when I heard the news about the surgery and his heart stopping afterwards.  I prayed for him and when I returned to St. Louis, I drove straight to the hospital.  The nurses said it didn’t look good and I had flashbacks of the conversation with my mother’s doctor.  I called my sisters and told them of the situation.  We as a family had to decide when we would take him off the respirator. 

My sisters came down and we surrounded our dad as they removed him off the respirator.  He breathed on his own for an hour.  We each said goodbye in our on way and he left us peacefully.

My dad wasn’t the best dad, but he was mine and I had for 52 years.  I truly wish we had more time together with him in his sane mind, but I’m thankful for the time we had.  I was a daddy’s girl and I had a hard time after my parents divorce because my dad went on with his life or that’s what it seemed like to me.  He always said that he knew my mother would take good care of us, so he stayed away.  I always resented that, and it took many years to forgive him.  As I watched him leave this earth, I knew that it really didn’t matter because he was there on those days I needed him, and he pushed me to find my younger sister who we hadn’t seen since she was a baby.  Because of him, she’s now in our lives.  If I hadn’t forgiven him, she might not have been.

I mentioned that I was a little coo-coo and I believe it was because I didn’t take time to let my mind grief.  I highly recommend if you have the leave to take some time to let your mind grieve.  You might think you are ok, but you mind needs to rest from all the stress it’s been through and you need to rest because of the stress you’ve been through.  Take a few days and do nothing.  Next time I will do better.

This grief is different because I’m not in pain.  I’m in peace with knowing he’s in a better place and not suffering from dementia.  I know the dementia had to be hard for him, because he was such a free spirit and being in a nursing home took away all his freedom. 

I’m at peace because I’m not angry with him anymore, I know he loved me the only way he knew how.  I’m at peace because I have my sisters to surround me with their friendships.  I’m at peace because I have my family who is always there for me.

I’m at peace.

Yesterday a FB friend posted a list of how to support your friends and love ones when they are dealing with grief.  I wanted to share the link here, because it was a wonderful list.

If you know someone dealing with grief.  Pick one and support them, so they too can be at peace.

Are you dealing with grief?  Check out the series I created.